Zero Hedge Kim

Zero Hedge is having a caption contest for the above photo. The comments are LULZ making. However, Not Safe For Work. Which is to say: enjoy!

Trivial Stuff

The Daily Show

via Jews For Sarah and Big Hollywood

Cross Posted at Classical Values

Unrelated Item Here

This bit of news is unrelated to anything else going on in the world.

Camel Dating Advice

Althouse has a video up (under a minute) of some Daley Show folks abusing a camel. A commenter said:

...whoever did it apparently did not know enough about the animals to understand how they should be handled.

Foreplay is the key. Dry humping can chafe you and the camel. You will never get a date with that camel again.

H/T Instapundit

Smoke 'em If You Got 'em

Stan Freburg is doing the commercial.

Overheard On The 'Net - 3

Let me be perfectly clear, I, um, uh, have, uh, um, inherited um, these poll numbers from the previous administration.

Barack H. Obama, Super Genius

Lenny Bruce

He was a libertarian before it was cool to be a libertarian. I saw him in Chicago at the Gate of Horn (December as I recall - a couple of blocks from the Playboy Club where we hung out before the show - outside - we weren't members) with my then and first girlfriend Joan B.

Global Warming Enhances Erectile Function

In a soon to be unreleased paper the journal Nature will announce that Global Warming Caused by CO2 is statistically connected with increased erectile function in human males. One participant in the study was especially enthusiastic. "With another doubling of CO2 I could go all night." His sorely taxed partner was unavailable for comment.

Prompted by this comment.

Cross Posted at Classical Values

Guns Or Drugs?

“Guns are always the best method for private suicide. Drugs are too chancy. You might just miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time.”

PJ ORourke quotes

PJ also wrote Parliament of Whores.

By Degrees

F, C, K, R.

Sex Tools

Eric at Classical Values says that what people want to read is weird and sensational stuff. A little humor never hurt either. My take is that if it includes sex and home improvement it ought to work even better. Popular Science meets the National Enquirer.

So today I'm doing a short (very short) review of Make Your Own Sex Toys: 50 Quick and Easy Do-It-Yourself Projects.

Here is what one buyer had to say about the book:

This book is hilarious to read as a couple. I bought it for hubby's anniversary gift. We laughed so much about the ideas that we never got around to trying any of them. Maybe some day when we are bored (which may never happen ;-) ).

Another buyer had this to say:

My husband and I have had many fun nights with this book. Every couple should try this fun book.

And of course if you don't want to do it yourself you can always just buy Sex Toys.

Well what are you waiting for? Get busy.

Cross Posted at Classical Values

Do Electric Sheep Dream Of Androids?

And just in case you are wondering about the title. It is a play on Philip K. Dick's book Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? which led to the movie with Harrison Ford called Blade Runner.

Cross Posted at Classical Values

H/T EDN Magazine

What The Captain Really Meant

I just came across this and it is located at some obscure site that may not have the longevity of blogspot. So I'm totally reposting it here for the humor and to make sure it is around for a while longer. From PPrune. You can read the Sharkbait 21 story there.

==

I stumbled upon this gem from a now long ago war in my archives and it occurred to me that there is probably an equivalent out there regarding the current fracas in Iraq. If there is, and someone willing to post it on a public site like this has access to it, I’d love to see it. I have the original audio tape of ‘What the Captain Really Means’ (along with the equally funny ‘Sharkbait 21’). WTCRMs was taped in a crew room by a group of USAF pilots in Vietnam around 1967, with the sound of jets taking off sometimes obscuring the words in the background.

Oh, and for Grandpa and people with similar feelings about the cousins, it was made tongue in cheek. Tongue in cheek, OK?

WHAT THE CAPTAIN REALLY MEANS...

(Serious, professional and very monotone American voice.) "The following statements were recorded when a civilian correspondent interviewed a shy, unassuming Air Force Phantom jet fighter pilot. So the correspondent would not misconstrue the pilot's replies, a Wing Information Officer was on hand as a monitor to make certain that the real Air Force story would be told. The Captain was first asked his opinion of the F4C Phantom.

Pilot: "Shit, it's so friggin manoeuvrable you can fly up your own ass with it."

WIO: "What the Captain means is that he has found the F4C highly manoeuvrable at all altitudes and he considers it an excellent aircraft for all missions assigned."

Reporter: "I suppose Captain you've flown a certain number of missions in North Vietnam. What did you think of the SAMs used by the North Vietnamese?"

Pilot: "Why those bastards couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a base fiddle. We fake the shit out of them. They're no sweat."

WIO: "What the Captain means is that the surface to air missiles around Hanoi pose a serious threat to our air operations and the pilots have a healthy respect for them."

Reporter: "I suppose Captain you've flown missions to the South. What kind of ordinance do you use, and what kinds of targets to you hit?"

Pilot: "Well, I'll tell you, mostly we aim at kicking the shit out of Vietnamese villages, and my favourite ordinance is napalm. Man, that stuff just sucks the air out of their friggin lungs and makes a son of a bitchin' fire."

WIO: "What the Captain means is that air strikes in South Vietnam are often against Viet Cong structures and all air operations are under the positive control of Forward Air Controllers, or FACs. The ordinance employed is conventional 500 and 750 pound bombs and 20 millimetre cannon fire."

Reporter: "I suppose you've spent an R&R in Hong Kong. What were your impressions of the Oriental girls?"

Pilot: "Yeah, I went to Hong Kong. As for those Oriental broads - well, I don't care which way the runway runs, east or west, north or south - a piece of ass is a piece of ass."

WIO: "What the Captain means is that he found the delicately featured Oriental girls fascinating, and was very impressed with their fine manners and thinks their naiveté is most charming."

Reporter: "Tell me Captain, have you flown any missions other than over North and South Vietnam?"

Pilot: "You bet your sweet ass I've flown other missions other than in North and South. We get fragged nearly every day for.. uh, those mothers over there throw everything at you but the friggin kitchen sink. Even the goddamned kids got slingshots."

WIO: "What the Captain means is that he has occasionally been scheduled to fly missions in the extreme western DMZ and he has a healthy respect for the flak in that area." (Translation: the 'extreme west' of the Demilitarized Zone was 'neutral' Laos, where most if not all of that section of the Ho Chi Minh Trail was located and where the Americans did not officially go.)

Reporter: "I understand that no one in the 12th Tactical Fighter Wing has got a MiG yet. What seems to be the problem?"

Pilot: "Why you screwhead! If you knew anything about what you were talking about, the problem is MiGs. If we got fragged by those peckerheads at 7th for those counters in MiG valley you could bet your ass we'd get some of those mothers. Those glory hounds at Ubon get all those frags while we settle for fighting the friggin war. Those mothers at Ubon are sitting on their fat asses killing MiGs and we get stuck with bombing the goddamned cabbage patches."

WIO: "What the Captain means is that each element of the 7th Air Force is responsible for doing their assigned job in the air war. Some units are assigned the job of neutralising enemy air strength but hunting out MiGs, and other elements are assigned bombing missions and interdiction of enemy supply routes."

Reporter: "Of all the targets you've hit in Vietnam, which one was the most satisfying?"

Pilot: "Oh, shit, it was getting fragged for that friggin suspected VC vegetable garden. I dropped napalm in the middle of the friggin pumpkins and cabbage, while my wingman splashed it real good with six of those 750 pound mothers and spread the fire al the way to the friggin beets and carrots."

WIO: "What the Captain means is that the great variety of tactical targets available throughout Vietnam make the F4C the perfect aircraft to provide flexible response."

Reporter: "What do you consider the most difficult target you've struck in North Vietnam?"

Pilot: "The friggin bridges. I must have dropped forty tons of bombs on those swaying bamboo mothers and I ain't hit one of the bastards yet."

WIO: "What the captain means is that interdicting bridges along enemy supply routes is very important and a quite difficult target. The best way to accomplish this task is to crater the approaches to the bridges."

Reporter: "I noticed in touring the base that you have aluminium matting on the taxiways. Would you care to comment on the effectiveness and usefulness in Vietnam?"

Pilot: "You're friggin right I'd like to make a comment. Most of us pilots are well hung, but shit, you don't know what hung is until you get hung up on one of those friggin bumps on that goddamned stuff."

WIO: "What the Captain means is that the aluminium matting is quite satisfactory as a temporary expedient, but requires some finesse in taxying and braking the aircraft."

Reporter: "Did you have an opportunity to meet your wife on leave in Honolulu, and did you enjoy the visit with her?"

Pilot: "Yeah, I met my wife in Honolulu, but I forgot to check the calendar, and so the whole five days were friggin well combat-proof. A completely dry run."

WIO: "What the captain means is that it was wonderful to get together with his wife and learn first hand about the family and how things were at home."

Reporter: "Thank you for your time, Captain."

Pilot: "Screw you, why don't you bastards print the real story instead of all that crap."

WIO: "What the Captain really means is that he enjoyed the opportunity to discuss his Tour with you."

Reporter: "One final question. Could you reduce your impression of the war into a simple phrase or statement, Captain?"

Pilot: "You bet your ass I can. It's a f**ked-up war."

WIO: "What the Captain means is it's a f**ked-up war."

===

Aren't they all.

Getting Gas

Every one is struggling with high gas prices.

I went into a gas station earlier tonight with a twenty and asked the attendant for gas on pump #6 (the station is prepay). I dropped the bill and turned to leave. I was near the door when she asked me how much I wanted.

I said "All of it".

I got a chuckle from all those standing around.

When I told my first mate what happened she chuckled too.

Best Kerry Joke So Far

Clarice:

He's very thin-skinned. When he shot himself in the ass with a rice grain he considered himself badly wounded.

Hit and Run:

I can't say I blame him for taking that wound very seriously. Think how close it came to inflicting brain damage.

Kerry Cuts and Runs

It appears that John Kerry has finished his campaign work for the Democrats in this election cycle a week early. There is no doubt that the last week of campaigning can be very tiring.

I guess he needs to spend more time with his family. Such as it is.

For some really good humor on the subject read the comments at Just One Minute.