What Did You Do In the War Daddy?

I chased criminal plants. I tore up fields of hemp. A plant that looks like marijuana but has no psychoactive effect. I filled the jails with drug users, letting untold numbers of violent criminals get a free pass to make sure there was room for dealers and users of the wrong kinds of drugs. I let terrorists go free in order to concentrate on jailing people out for a little drug induced fun. Of course I ignored those using the most harmful drugs commonly available in society, alcohol and tobacco.

I started a war to repress the people of Bolivia and Columbia. I did it because some of our citizens prefer snorting Bolivian cocaine to drinking Columbian coffee. I did this based on the same religious intolerance that led to alcohol prohibition. I did this based on Puritan totalitarianism rather than American pluralism. I knew from history that in every single instance of American prohibition that the side effects of the cure were worse than the disease. Yet I persisted.

I contributed to the loss of Bill of Rights for all Americans by taking away those rights from the demonized drug users. I got the rules of evidence changed at the Federal level so that no evidence of a crime is necessary. Just some snitches word. I worked hard to see that such snitches were well rewarded either with money, drugs, or shortened jail sentences. I also worked hard to make sure that profits on the prohibited substances were high enough so that criminals could easily afford to corrupt our police, border guards, and politicians.

I turned some neighborhoods into shooting gallerys where armed bands fought over marketing rights in various territories. If there were not enough murders in these neighborhoods I shortened the supplies of the various commodities to up the economic pressure until violence broke out. If that didn't work I weakened the dominant militia until a rival could dispute its marketing territory, there by increasing the clamor of the local citizens for protection from the armed thugs. It worked. Our budgets kept growing. I worked as hard as possible to see that the American police spent 50% or more of their time chasing Americans pursuing the wrong kind of happiness.

I worked hard to get children to inform on their parents. We got quite a few to turn in their parents for indulging in a substance safer than aspirin. Of course we jailed the parents and made the children jail orphans. Then we decried the breakdown of the family. Such fun.

And while making war on 5 to 10% of all Americans I ignored any warnings of terrorist threats and concentrated on the civil war against users of the wrong kinds of drugs. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

After years of doing my best to enrich the criminal class and destroy America I finally came to my senses. September 11th woke me up. Real unavoidable terror had come to America. What postal worker wouldn't be happy to have avoidable cocaine fall out of an envelope rather than unavoidable anthrax? I decided that all the police effort going into preventing people from pursuing happiness could be better spent chasing real criminals and terrorists. I asked my boss if I couldn't transfer to airport security, the FBI, border patrol, or any other job where I could really fight the terrorist enemy instead of supporting them directly or indirectly. And my boss understood. He was already thinking along the same lines himself.

I'm happy to tell you I got my transfer and I got my self respect back.

This weeks saying:

What is the difference between drug prohibition and alcohol prohibition? Seventy four years so far.

Ask a politician:

Do you support drug prohibition because it finances criminals at home or because it finances terrorists abroad?

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This was originally published in the Rock River Times 15 Dec 2001.

It is still true.